Thursday, February 5, 2009

Pacman Jones Holds a Gun to Your Head, Tells You to Pick One…Bonds or Clemens?

With the media spotlight once again shining on two of Major League Baseball’s prominent names once again over the past week or so involving, it got me to thinking, (I know, that’s a scary thought) if you had to, (and when I say had to, well, just read the headline to this spit and hopefully you’ll figure it out) pick one of the cheaters for the Hall of Fame…Which cheater would it be? Bonds or Clemens?

Seemingly these two dill pickles are from the same pickle jar…Having poked and probed themselves with God knows what and God knows when, all the while maintaining that they haven’t done a single thing wrong time and time again. No matter how much hot air they have blown out of their pieholes, we all know differently…Now whether or not they actually believe the gusty winds they are blowing, who knows? I’d say, it’s likely…Just as O.J. still believes he didn’t commit a double murder and not in anyway try to jack up a Las Vegas hotel room to get his belongings back. Just as Casey Anthony is claiming that she had nothing to do with killing her daughter!

Here we have two shoe-ins for the Hall of Fame…One is the All-Time Homerun King and one who’s one of the most phenomenal pitchers the game has ever seen. Unfortunately, due to the fact that they insisted on turning their bodies into human pin and needle cushions respectively "allegedly" , donating their bodies to science, everything that these two lying assholes ever accomplished through their careers is tainted…And will forever be looked at in a different perspective.

So knowing all we know about Bonds and Clemens…Knowing that they’re guilty for lack of a better word, you have one vote. You have to pick your poison on this one…Who gets the Hall of Fame vote on your ballot. I know, I know…That’s a tough one. Now we all know how Miss Elizabeth felt when she had to choose between the two Mega Powers for WrestleMania V when Mean Gean pressed her for an answer! Roll it…(BTW: It’s a very entertaining 5-plus mins.)

Damn, that’s really difficult to choose!! Perhaps if I was drunk it’d be easier to figure out? Can I flip a coin? I guess I would have to go with Bonds. Yes, he’s been defiant on the issue…Although just something rubs me the wrong way that Roger has handled this whole ordeal. Throwing his wife under the bus, throwing his BFF Andy under the bus…I’m sure Bonds would do the same thing, just we haven’t seen it…Doing the "I’m innocent publicity tour". All the while having said he didn’t know anything about HGH, but his wife is in the other room stabbing herself with it. The more and more Roger and his hand puppet Rusty say, the deeper the hole gets. Clemens made a mountain out of a mole hill…A mountain that he can’t climb, although he believes he can. And I guess that’s where my foundation of me selecting Bonds stems from. RC believes that he can beat this…His actions suggest it. On the other hand Bonds, doesn’t really a shit! Bonds doesn’t care whether he gets into the hall or not…The flip of that, Clemens wants us to believe he has the same attitude as Barry regarding Cooperstown, but we all know different! We all know that he’d be crushed not being inducted into Cooperstown…So, that’s a lie right there! Dig It Brother! I love Mean Gean!

My vote goes to Barry on this one, but it’s definitely too close to call!

And if you thought that was difficult to choose, I‘ve got something that will make you feel like Wade Boggs on a cross country flight! Since you’re in the voting mind frame, CoEdMagazine.com needs you to vote on its Miss COED January 2009 competition. It’ll have you saying, "Barry and Roger who"? Remember, Pacman Jones still has that gun to your head! So please take your time in deciding. Damn, I love the coeds…WooHoo!

Never Bring Fists to a Water Fight at a Scorers Table Near You

Damn, we thought Super Bowl XLIII was intense…And okay, perhaps it was in a way. However, some where in the great state of Massachusetts, (I’m not exactly sure if the usage of great to describe the state is appropriate) where basketball was born, it’s quite apparent that the Cardinals-Steelers nail bitter can’t match the intensity of a high school basketball game between Watertown and Lexington High School.

Now we’ve all seen scorers tables at basketball games…Hell, some like myself have probably gotten to sit at these tables. We all are well aware of the fast and furious action. Never mind the poor bastard at the table who holds the title of score keeper. Besides the clusterfukc as to what goes on at the table, he’s already in an unpleasant mood to begin with…As if he had a colonoscopy earlier in the day. The last thing he wants to do is sit at any basketball game and jot down freaking stats for these overgrown ankle bitters.

Nevertheless, he puts on a happy face for the kids…At least he has his bottle water to keep him company. Sitting at the scorers table with a bottle of water…I’m just here to tell you this is an unfortunate combination. Watch the upper right-hand corner, where the Watertown scorekeeper, opens his water bottle and empties it into the face of the Lexington scorekeeper. The Lexington scorekeeper punches him.

Yeah, that’s right…Super Bowl XLIII doesn’t have shit on this baby! No sir, Santonio Holmes…What did you do that was so spectacular besides sell drugs? What I want to know which was the first scorekeeper to say, "tell me how my ass tastes"? See, this is exactly what can happen if a scorekeeper never got passed the first grade…The problem of counting the correct number of personal and team fouls seems to come into play. Glad to see Beavis and Butthead are still alive and doing well!

Honestly it does look like one of their episodes…The guy that threw the water just ate the punch and went about his work because he knew he had it coming, but couldn't resist. And then after, it looked like everything is cool between them after the punches where thrown…As I said, Beavis and Butthead!

Couple things we’ve learned here…People need to stop forming "your mom" jokes. That’s so early 1990’s. Don’t EVER QUESTION the other team’s scorekeeper, unless of course she looks like this, (and then the use of water may be a benefit…you connect the dots on that)! You can disregard she’s waiting for a war to break out and she’s a fire breathing dragon…Minor details! The International Scorerstable Bureau needs to take a hard look at banning all bottled water from all the tables it oversees worldwide. And never bring fists to a water fight at a scorers table…If so, at least bring a super soaker to the table! Or a poncho!

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

NBC Must Include Matt Millen Warning Labels with Telecasts

It goes without saying that before Matt Millen took the Detroit Lions gig he was a pretty damn good booth analyst for Fox…I don’t think anybody would argue that. It also goes without saying that as General Manager and President of the Lions, Millen failed, and failed miserably. It can be said that Double M could/will be, or is the worst in league history at those gigs. Having his name attached to a 0-16 is just the tip of the iceberg on that. Throughout his tenure at destroying the Lions franchise, he made mistaken after mistake after mistake…And yet, indescribably still managed through all of his f-ups still keep his position in the front office.

When Millen finally got the boot and shown the door, all of us were in shock…Resembling the shocked looks on all of our faces watching the Super Bowl this past Sunday on NBC. The same network that employs Millen again at what he does best, being a network analyst. Although here’s when I have a major issue, before his stint with Fox, he was new to the analyst game…Solely relying on his playing experience to aid in his analysis. And it worked…Thus we all felt that Millen was to succeed with the Lions. Although seeing him returning to network television for NBC’s coverage of the playoffs and Super Bowl has me sitting there like I just resembled head butting a horse…With that dazed and confused look. Knowing that this cat will go down as one of the worst, if not the worst ever to hold the positions the he held! Why employ him again as an analyst? Okay, I get that he was good at it for one time…Yeah, and so were the Lions too!

NBC has compiled a respectable team for their broadcast…A team that viewers can respect their opinions or respectfully disagree with their opinions. This isn’t the case with Double M, but rather making a mockery of their football knowledge…In this case, can we actually take what he spits on camera with any type of merit? Knowing full well his name will forever be attached to the Detroit Lions and how big of a failure he was. Sitting in front of cameras suggesting what this team needs to do, or what’s wrong with this team…This is on the same level as having Lawerence Taylor holding a drug convention. Telling everybody don’t do drugs. Or having Rae Carruth hold a "Don’t hire a hitman to kill your wife" seminar…With Dave Bliss right down the hall holding his own suggesting that "Basketball coaches need not to try and cover up murders of their players". All are laughable and hold no credibility! And make no bones about it, Millen’s in the same category.

And to make sure nobody forgets about just how big of a loser Matt really is around the Detroit area the hardworking of that city and that perception isn’t ever lost while this guy who’s responsible for setting the Lions back 40 years was on set discussing Kurt Warner's many attributes, the NBC affiliate the Motor City was busy making sure Double-M’s previous work didn’t go un-noticed…

See, what happens when peeps get bored in the control room on Super Sunday…Crawlers such as this magically appear…

"Matt Millen was president of the Lions for the worst eight-year run in the history of the NFL. Knowing his history with the team, is there a credibility issue as he now serves as an analyst for NBC Sports? ..."

How awesome is that?

Now of course this didn’t go over too well, but that’s exactly my point. All the whinos who reside in nursing homes know more about football than this shithead! There isn’t anybody that can say this shit-for-brains, dumbass has even an ounce of credibility left to his name! Hell, before getting face time on NBC he was getting shredded by Dan Patrick, Chris Collinsworth, Bob Costas and company…The same people that incidentally he works with now. All thought the same opinion as the crawler pointed out. And to sit there on Super Sunday discussing "Kurt Warner’s many attributes" knowing full well this is the same guy drafted both Charles Rogers and Mike Wiilliams, well it’s just down right ridiculous to think this guy is back on network boobision analyzing football! And NBC’s just as ridiculous for giving him a platform in which he can do it on! Their telecasts need to come up with some kind of, "Matt Millen Warnings!"

"Warning! Matt Millen's on…Viewer discretion is SERIOUSLY advised "

Super Bowl Sunday was a learning experience for all…Showing us anything is humanly possible! If the Arizona Cardinals can play in a Super Bowl…If a former drug dealer turns professional football player/Super Bowl hero in Santonio Holmes can be named Super Bowl MVP…Then, somehow, someway Double M can reemerge in front of cameras discussing professional football, which he has proven he absolutely knows nothing about, anything is possible!

For more Millen rip-session, have mousey click this mouse trap

Moments After Ben Roethlisberger’s Moped Accident

With a win on Sunday, the Pittsburgh Steelers set a new precedence for how to operate a football organization with their sixth Vince Lombardi shinny little football. Orchestrating the game winning drive Sunday, Ben Roethlisberger has entered the debatable conversation of whether he’s one of the great quarterbacks in the league…Whether he’s worthy enough to be mentioned in the same breath as Brady or Manning. Which incidentally he has more rings than Peyton two to one…Like I said, debatable conversation and I’m not here to discuss that.

What I’m willing to discuss is, remember when not too long ago the Steelers capped off the whole, "Drive for Five" campaign in the Motor City…It was at if Big Ben was on top of the world. And for good reason, although what goes up must fall down. Fall down he did, as he decided to play a game of tag with a granny behind the wheel of a Chrysler. Let that be a lesson to all…Never fukc with a grama behind the wheel of anything!! I can't stress enough! Not realizing the severity of the accident…All thinking it was just a mirror thing until details began emerging and the picture began to crystallized exactly how serious this actually was.

Well, I’ve uncovered never before seen footage from that day when Ben did his best Humpty Dumpty impression and exactly what he was dealing with. Roll it…

So what will this Super Bowl off-season bring…Who knows?

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

How to Beat “Sports Depression State Syndrome”…

Super Bowl Sunday…Sports grandest day of the year! It also signifies sports gloomiest day of the year! As Kurt Warner’s fumble solidified that Steel City Beer would now have a complete six pack…Sending "The Burgh" into a celebration frenzy which consisted of smashing windows, body slamming cars, and burning couches, (and they think they’re unlike West Virginians) the typical "We are Champions" ceremonial festivities. All the while peeps in Arizona, along with the rest of us suddenly felt like Willis McGahee after Ryan Clark got a hold of him, (yeah, you feel me, but damn Ryan) with a big douse of a giant depression setting in, (or if it hasn’t yet, believe me it will).

Every year, no matter who’s playing in the Super Bowl, Super Bowl Sunday is like no other. For those 60 minutes it’s an event that attracts everybody…Sports fans and non sports fans, (gees, imagine how bad their lives suck) go ape shit for this event. No one other event has the capacity to have this significant effect. And when it’s over, the non sports fans make like a groundhog and go back in their hole, to their boring ass life for another year, until the following one where once again they come out to see their shadow! For us who live and breath sports we usually have to go on a health diet of Xanax, Lexapro, Celexa, Paxil, Zoloft, Zyban, Effexo, Remeron combined with making out with Grey Goose, Jack Daniels, Crown Royal, Jim Beem, Captain Morgan, Patron, etc. (or whatever poison you choose to put on your lizard lips). We all do it on a yearly basis and it does the trick…It gets us to mid-July without any problems or side affects. Although every April we sometimes get fooled and think we can come off this treatment…Only to set ourselves back!

So yes, we’ve currently entered what’s known as "sports depression state syndrome"…A common yearly occurrence! There’s going to be massive runs on all the ingredients listed above over the next few days resembling that of the Chicken Wing Shortage last week, but not to worry…Stay strong because help is on the way, just don’t know when.

However, in the mean time I’m looking for a quick fix too until I can begin my process of once again beating this syndrome with the meds. And I believe I’ve have the recipe. I finally found some excellent usage to the very annoying Britney Spears Womanizer song…Thanks in large part to Leryn Franco’s assistance, (yes, the same Olympic javelin thrower) God bless her for helping all suffering from "sports depression state syndrome" for the next 3:27… !

What a Womanizer…I think? Leryn Franco is some fukcing great medicine! THANK YOU LERYN!

Which Super Bowls are in Your T-Mobile Fav-5?

Just like most of us do, I took the Monday after the Super Bowl off. Yes, it goes without saying that this should be a national holiday anyway, but hey, who’s ever in charge of making those determinations must be the same cat that was in the replay booth on Sunday without a clue! Yesterday allowed me to sit back and examine what the hell I just witnessed, as I’m sure that’s how Cardinal fans felt…That’s if such exists anymore, considering the fact that there’s no more bandwagon to hop aboard.

I guess it should be no surprise to any that Super Bowl 43 was televised by NBC…A networks slogan which is “Must See TV”! And that it was indeed! All through the week, this years edition of the big game was getting ripped and getting dubbed as the quietest Super Bowl in recent memory. An event that nobody was showing up to, parties were getting canceled, tickets being sold at face value…Two teams who aside from the Kurt Warner factor weren’t really giving the media any buzz during the week, created the kind of buzz Sunday evening that will go into Super Bowl lore! Much was said immediately after the game and then all day yesterday to the realm of, “Was this the greatest Super Bowl game ever?”. This question coming on the heels of what we all witnessed last season in Super Bowl 42 out in Glendale. We all thought we saw everything that we possibly could see in the big game last season…Thinking it couldn’t get any better than what the desert brought to us. But did it?

For me, Super Bowl 43 was a replica of Super Bowl 38 in Houston. An average first half of play, (aside from the 100-yard pick six, thanks to Antrel Rolle’s pancake block on Larry Fitzgerald). The with the third quarter picking up the pace a little, not much…And then with the fourth quarter resembling a wild, wild, west shootout. With the team with the ball last was going to win! Anybody will say that the Cardinals just ran out of time…And that they did! Just as the Panthers ran out of time in Super Bowl 38. Watching that Super Bowl five years ago, the same question was being asked, “Was that the greatest Super Bowl ever?” Before that the same question was raised in regards to Super Bowl 36…Before that the question was attached to Super Bowl 34. Super Bowl 23 raised the same question…And others before that, (I’m just too young to remember…I go back to Super Bowl 20). Every great Super Bowl game we witness, this question is always asked…And for good reason, besides, sports is a genre of debatable platform. Everything can and will be debated.

For some, SB43 and everything in encompassed it that 60 minutes will top some peeps list of Greatest Super Bowls ever. Others will have it in the mix, (personally, I don’t see how the hell you can’t have it in the discussion). Who knows where the BCS would have it? All I know is, that my Fav-5 Super Bowls sponsored by T-Mobile looks like this…
(keep in mind my youth)

It’s a tough call between #2 & #3

1. St. Louis vs. Tennessee
Super Bowl XXXIV (January 30, 2000)

2. Pittsburgh vs. Arizona
Super Bowl XLIII (February 1, 2009)

3. New York Giants vs. New England
Super Bowl XLII (February 3, 2008)

4. New England vs. Carolina
Super Bowl XXXVIII (February 1, 2004)

5. New England vs. St. Louis
Super Bowl XXXVI (February 3, 2002)